where did time go?! I swear I always smile when I look through my photo container and see pictures like this. Guys I really hate getting too deep into my life sometimes but right now I'm so deep in thought about it, I must write it out. son..time really just flew by. I turned 22 two days ago! It feels like just yesterday I was the little girl in that picture.. not a care in the world about a damn thing but my toys, my television and my Reader Rabbit CD ROMS. life FELT sooo simple then. I say felt because .. growing older but still a little girl, although life was simple , it actually was a little complicated—only because of my family situation. I didn't quite understand it. I mentioned in my previous post what my relationship with my mom was like . When I was younger I was first raised by my grandmother. One day she took me to her close friends house (my god parents) and left me there, saying she'd come back .. but she never showed up. My god father and God mother took me in. My god mother would be in and out of the house until one day, she said she'd be back and also never came back.. for months.. leaving only me and my god father left in a one bedroom apartment. My God father had a choice to call someone up and take me out the house because he never had a child, he was never really prepared nor taught how to raise one. But he decided to keep me and take me in as his own anyway. The women in my life — my mother, god mother, and grandmother would show up time to time for me .. my mom and grandmother would pick me up for weekends and vacations (separately) and I'd see my god mother whenever she decided to show up . my birth father was always locked up , so I really didn't know him. my god and grandmother seemed to only care about drugs more than me. my mom was just going through it. all this stuff kind of tore me up as a kid because I would see my friends and their perfect, put-together families and then wonder why I didn't have that. I would have a lot of temper tantrums and take it out on the one guy who would literally die for me. At school, I would get teased and talked about because the person I called dad was white and not black. I would be known as the "adopted" girl or girl with the white dad. I wouldn't understand what the big deal was. I would also be teased for being skinny, and having big lips. I went to school with a bunch of white kids, so they weren't used to that. they dead would violate and I would come home crying and taking it out on my god father.
those temper tantrums really followed me as I got older, I grew a huge attitude! I had a very short fuse, I would give zero fucks when it came to arguing with people, and I would really wanna fight any bitch who made me feel low or powerless. I went from being a sports-active, honoroll student to a student juggling her grades and not being able to play on the basketball team. I was teased so much by the same niggas in elementary all through high school . they literally made my life a living hell. all I wanted to do was fit in the way my friends did . I went through so many phases in my life too - style wise , music wise , everything. I didn't know what or where the hell I wanted or wanted to be, I just knew I wanted to be happy with my life.
After graduating high school, I got my first real job and I glo'd up. My body was still petite but I was getting thick in all the right places, my hair was growing out after the first time I chopped it, and I was getting all the "flows" lol. I started to feel a little better about myself and learned a couple of things through my relationships at the time. I started to "fall" for different people. started to give myself up a little. but i was still content with my life.
I lost all that shit as time flew by. I don't really know how , when and why.. I just know I lost so much weight , lost my sense of humanity .. my soul . I didn't know why I was on earth and didn't know my purpose. whenever I'd feel better and positive, shit would fuck up again. I started drinking more and giving it up to whoever I wanted to without caring . got myself caught up in college, messing with some dude who I began to grow feelings for , but he didn't give a shit.. just used me for my time n money n cause all his friends wanted me. so to get him tight , I messed with two of them. they all humiliated me cause one of them recorded and showed everyone the videos . they think I don't know, but I'm not dumb. then shit got real crazy my next semester chilling in college where I found myself almost falling for some dude who was taken the whole time and I wasn't told until after shit got real. I even knew the girl and was cool with her. anyway , one day I showed up to his friend's crib, who was dating my friend. we were all playing drinking games and taking shots until I was asked if i wanted a "special" drink made. I drank it and after that I don't know how I ended up in a room upstairs but I was, and three guys tried to take advantage of me... yes, after slipping shit in my drink. luckily I wasn't gone enough to fully allow it & was able to stop them . this is not a lie or a sob story . this is a tragic event in my life that haunts me very often. as the other one does .
my attitude after those events was through the roof. people would think I was so happy because of the mask I would throw on , but nah — I had become insecure and depressed. this feeling definitely had its on and off switch. I would be happy for months then sad. and this all leads to today, the reason I'm typing this. starting a year ago, I had been suffering with crazy ass anxiety and health issues. I would randomly go nuts about something bothering me , but once I calmed down it's like I'm a whole new person . however, because of my anxiety, my heart would constantly beat very quickly , speeding up my metabolism. so even if I ate a lot, I would still lose weight rather than gain. it was not only cause of that deep shit I went through ... but also what I thought would save me from that mess. I was in a relationship that I believed to be my best one because of how serious it was. I imagined spending the rest of my life with the person, and couldn't imagine my life without him. but when we would argue (which was a lot), i would literally go bananas. I would go crazy whenever I felt ignored . I would go crazy whenever I felt our friends were against me . just every little thing drove. me. crazy. like off the wall crazy. but I loved him, and I was comfortable, so although I knew we were probably not too great for each other, I didn't care . I disregarded it thinking I could change it. boy, was I a dreamer. I focused so much on the situation that I didn't even realize how much it was damaging me and my health. I wouldn't sleep, wouldn't eat, wouldn't want to go to class or work. I'd just want to stay home, curl in a ball, and stare at my phone until I got a hit up . shit was crazy. like I never understood how damaging love could be sometimes . but is it really love if it's damaging ? I don't know . I feel love has so many doors and definitions that no one can really sit here and tell you EXACTLY what it is — only what their perspective of it is. what's crazy is deep down, I knew I wasn't happy but .. I needed something more to open my eyes. fortunately, I met someone who showed me what I needed to know and pushed me to do what I needed to do. unfortunately, that someone left my life for a reason I can't get over. let's just say, not everybody takes crying well. some jump to conclusions without even knowing or wanting to know a person before they judge . they just see emotions and run. but . at least I benefited a little from it. however, it kind of hit a soft spot and has made me feel horrible ever since. so that didn't go to well.
Let's not even get to friendship. I've lost many friends over petty things. I lost basically all my childhood best friends whom I thought would be at my wedding and baby shower in the future. All because one got seriously salty when I had to go home one day, and she wanted me to go home with her . -_- she could tell you different but I know for a fact it wasn't the fact that I got on a train that accidentally left them, but it was because who I left with . but that's another story. the point is , friendships are VERY temporary the older you get. that's why I'm happy I found a sister. my closest best friend is like family and I know she will be in my life for as long as we live.
my reasoning for mentioning all of this is - guys, I have gone through SOOOOOOO much! you would never know with me these days because I try to keep a positive attitude, and try to avoid having people sympathize over me and my issues. these friendships and relationships and situations helped me grow! I learned so much about myself and realized exactly what I need to change about myself . .. exactly what I need to adjust in my life in order to be satisfied. my family situation remains the same except my grand mother is clean and I talk to her a lot. My mother is married with a son and lives in another state but she hits me up every single day now. My godfather is eating healthy and living peacefully (except for when I drive his ass crazy). so it's only the same in terms of how I'm living. Now, do I want another relationship? I'd be lying if I flat out say "no, I do not." because of course I want a successful relationship. I want someone whom I can communicate with without feeling uncomfortable. someone who I can call up like "yo, let's play ball. it's nice out" . or "hey babe lets have a picnic date at the park"'. someone who I can get drunk with and go home with and celebrate some more without getting annoyed at each other. I want someone who is not afraid to tell me they love me. .or to tell anyone else they do.. someone who reassures me that I made the right decision. But until then, I don't mind being single and getting my feet wet. it's been a while since I have been completely alone , so this is going to take some getting used to. I want to take my time to get to know someone and slowly develop something.
As for my personal being, I am watching my health wisely. I am going to finally start really taking care of myself — eating a little healthier, drinking shakes and exercising. this summer I want to be active! I don't want to spend my life drinking and smoking and partying to become numb to pain. I am proud of how far I have come, but I know there's still a lot to work on..
and that, my folks .. that is my story. (there's way more but I don't have time to write novels).....
xoxo, Rina 💋💋💋😁🌻
remember guys : it's okay to find yourself , but it's important to focus more on the recreation that comes after that. create yourself! learn about yourself and be born again. it's ok to do it more than once because, guess what that's called? Growth.
