man oh man. what a Monday I just survived! ughhhhh sksksjshahahsdhl
I have been so confused lately I feel like a dog chasing it's tail in circles. when it comes to love , relationships bla bla.. I don't even know where my mind stands! sometimes I want it, sometimes I don't. I'll take interest in someone and then lose it so quickly because now my guard is completely up and I rarely trust anything with a penis these days tbh.
however, when I actually show my interest , it feels like I'm literally entertaining a rock. I will never understand how you could do so much to show someone your interested, they'll show it back once and never show that side again .. leaving you feeling clueless and utterly disappointed. I'll laugh some days because of how ridiculously stupid I be feeling even liking these dudes sometimes. and then I'd get all insecure and question what's wrong with me and shit. It's really just the worst.
I'm not perfect. I've been through a lot and I've had to teach myself a lot of right from wrongs. my communication sucks but I try. I'm emotional. I'm stubborn (Taurus , hello!) . I'm a spoiled brat at times too lol. however , I love extraa hard. I give all I can and I put my all into my relationships. if I like someone , I'd do any and everything in my power to let them know "look, you WILL be mine. I'm not playing." lol . but lately that shit been feeling like my downfall. a straight up failure . now I just feel like turning into this tough cookie who you will never get an emotion out of — unless you provide me with a 10 page paper, double spaced, thesis paragraph , MLA format and proper citation, and a perfect conclusion as to how real you are and where you wanna go. I've seen and been through toooooo much to not feel that way!
crazy thing is I tell myself maybe I'm just not fit for relationships but deep down I know that the next time I get into one , I'm holding it DOWN. I'm not making the same mistakes i did in my previous relationship, and I'm certainly going to look at things differently. honestly I just need to find the right person. someone humble, down to earth and out of the loop. someone who loves my tomboyness and will shoot some hoops with me or play video games with me even when we are mad. someone who recognizes and appreciates all i do. someone who I can talk to for hours and not get bored. someone funny as hell. someone adventurous cause we not about to sit in the house all day every day rubbing against each other and shit. lol. Someone who won't violate me if we disagree with one another. Someone who doesn't have like 70 friends who would all be in our business. someone who won't hesitate to tell me they love me. someone that will learn about all about my flaws and never judge. Yup. *sighs* am I asking for too much lol? don't think I'll ever find this person .
a girl could only dream !
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