TBT

I might regret posting this later kinda already regretting starting to but I found these in my drawer, and after reading them all again I feel nothing but pain. I need to vent & this is too deep to talk about out loud. and I also want y'all to see and understand why I'm always complaining about the things guys do or not finding the right one. Some of you either went through this, will go through it, never went through it or never will.. But let me elaborate on what I been through: I was told a countless number of times that when guys get "caught up" not to really believe what they tell you when they write to you or tell you on the phone .. The reason I believed was because I was in love .. I had been in love with the same person since I was 18. I was 19 and 20 writing to him and waiting. I'm now going on 21 in a few days and I'm still alone. I never really spoke to my pops about guys before, but seeing as all these letters were coming in the mail I figured I'd explain. 

He wasn't too thrilled about the fact that I was in love with someone "in the system" but he wasn't a criminal.. He's not a criminal , so I made sure I made that clear and continued to mention this boy everyday. Whenever a letter came in, my dad would ask "how's he holding up? Is he coming out?" .  My dad isn't the type to really ask, so it felt special . That plus the letters plus the fact that this is who I've wanted since I graduated high school made everything seem so real and seem like it was going to head to a great direction. Now I'm here today typing a huge essay because he's no longer there, he's here .. But not here with me. And I'm hurt. And this is all I still think about till this day. Out of all the hurt and anger I've been pushing people away, even guys that are strictly my friends. I forced myself to fall for guys that weren't good for me only to help me move on. I always think a guy is wrong when he does something or that he's doing it to try and hurt me. I'm not gonna sit here and say I blame this guy for everything because what I really blame is the fact that I stood there and waited for love. Love is not something you force yourself to wait for, it's something that comes to you. Love is not something you fight for, it's something you automatically win. And even though I am still crying over this and still hold on to these letters (even though I honestly feel like burning them), I know one day I'll find it and I won't have to sit here and cry of sadness and write essays on how much my love life sucks. And to the dude who wrote these to me, although he probably won't see this because I took him off my social networks, I still want the best for you and I don't hate YOU. I just hate this. & I hope things are going good for you. As for me, I'll be alright. This ain't no cry for attention, it's just venting..... Most likely deleting this whenever my head clears. Well, yeah..