What's on your mind, Rina?

So for the past few months I felt myself stuck. Like, STUCK. I felt like everything is caving in, and there's no where to turn. I feel like I haven't been moving at all. I've been searching for a new job, nothing. There was a point where I felt like I wasn't going to be able to attend school for another semester due to fees. I had gotten my heart broken again and began looking for that attention in all the wrong places. I've just been feeling like NOTHING is being accomplished. I am almost 21 years old, I need some kind of motivation in order to feel free from this darkness. Like, it came to a point where I could open up to my friends about it, but I did not even want advice. Because advice at this point isn't going to help, it's just motivation. It sounds crazy and kind of demanding, but in order to feel better I just need my goals to be accomplished -  no matter what mental therapy I use to ease the feeling in the moment.

Well, I do have some good news. I am attending my spring semester at BMCC. A nice friend helped me find someone who helped me come up with a great solution in order to deal with all these darn tuition fees. Not sure why it feels so important for me to go, but I could have cried in this counselor's arms after he helped me! And I just had the biggest smile on my face while getting advised and while registering at home. I just love the experience of being and college and I like that I have something important keeping me occupied. I like the idea of me working hard and all of it paying off. So I guess I just answered my own question as to why it is so important to go. *giggles*

So I guess that's step one. Already, I feel a little lighter. This is what I mean by motivation being the answer. I just need a few things to reassure myself that I am not living for no reason, and that there is a brighter side to the tunnel.  (not even trying to sound scarily depressed, just the honest truth, lol)

I just need a new job now. My current one just stresses me out so much and I feel like I am STUUUUUCK there. I try to go there and be happy and remain positive, but it's so hard when you have bosses that are so disrespectful. And it's just hard when you're working somewhere just because you have to..and have no interest in it whatsoever. ( hopefully my bosses never see this as long as I am working there LOL ) I AM CRYING FOR A NEW JOB UGH. At least an office job until I find something I really like...which is both a hobby and a career. I know God hears me, so faith is all I can depend on!

And then there's that annoying word.. "love". What do you call my love life? A disaster. I feel that due to my life's history with family and what not, I just look for this damn thing in all the wrong places. ALL THE INCREDIBLY WRONG, DISASTROUS, HOPELESS PLACES. Every time I find someone who I really SEE myself with, I automatically fall. Idk why I always allow these dudes to really mess me up. I know I'm smart, I'm not dumb. I mean I do and have done some dumb things, but I am not DUMB. I know what's right, I know what's wrong. So why is it so hard NOT to look dumb, when I know I am smart enough to look myself..which is smart..make sense? Omg my mind is all over the place lol. This is part of what love does. It completely takes over. Now, I'm not going to sit here and say I fell in love with every person I've spoken too. Because that's totally not true. Guys in general drive me crazy. I hate the ones that never tell you how they feel or how they think. They expect you to either know already, or they expect you NOT to understand them, therefore will never give you a chance to try. I will never understand why guys can never be straight up. And THEN there are the ones who are straight up but my stupid temptations get me into a lot of trouble and I always end up hurt either way. I guess I just want someone to be by my side. Someone to give me that attention I've always wanted but never got. Someone I can always talk to. Someone who likes what I like. Someone who loves everything or ALMOST everything about me. Someone who doesn't judge me.. Someone who just MATCHES me. Some of the guys I've talked to will like half the things about me, but also judge another half. Some of em just like me for my treasures.....ahem...! And others will like me, but have issues of their own that I can't freaking deal with. Why? Because when I try, they don't allow it or they're just too freaking difficult for my ass and I end up getting bored. That is actually one thing I like about myself. I can get over someone pretty freaking quickly. I'll either get bored as shit, which is very easy for a Taurus gal like myself, or I'll just easily find a distraction. 9 times out of 10, you losers come crawling back once that happens, only for your attempt to be denied :-) - another great thing about me, lol. But I don't want that anymore. I want to meet someone I can keep. Even if it doesn't happen,I want to be able to see myself spending my life with them. Yes I am young, but I am also too old for a teenage relationship. You know, the ones where they are just "in the moment" relationship, because you'll be in love with someone else in a month or two. I'm not a kid anymore..it's time for me to settle down. I'm just tired of falling into the wrong arms :/

So, yeah. There's a lot on my mind...told you guys to brace yourselves....

it doesn't even stop here.......