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Lately my life has definitely not been the brightest, and I don't know what to do. you ever just wake up okay, thanking God for another day.. looking outside and feeling blessed on the inside because you're greatful to be alive ... then something not so great crosses your mind and then all of a sudden, clouds. all you see is clouds. from that moment everything else just depresses you. and it's like no matter how hard you try, you can't escape the funk ... 😔

last weekend, a family member of mine passed away from cancer . we weren't close but it still hurt a lot cause I mean that's family. not too long after finding out about her death (rest in peace Darlene 💐), I found out that my birth father has leukemia. Now, my birth father did not get to raise me or watch me grow up or teach me things because of the lifestyle he choose. however, I will NEVER consider him to be a deadbeat father. He's always tried to be in my life, always. my mother was just not having it because she needed to make sure I was protected. I never really even understood this until now. I won't say I ever hated my father, but I never really felt like forgiving him for not being able to be in my life. he didn't have to be in and out of jail. he didn't have to be involved with the streets. he choose that, therefore I didn't see how him not being in my life wasn't messed up , and I kinda did consider him a dead beat. but getting older and looking deeper into things , I'm glad I can realize that he's not a dead beat, he just forcefully couldn't be there for me. I just hate that I always dodged visiting him , and now he's sick 😔 I don't know how to deal with this kind of stuff. I've lost a sibling when I was younger and I've lost my grandmother. I cried and stuff however I was young so I didn't consistently cry. I am 22 years old now , way more emotional & way more terrified. I don't want to lose my father. he brought me into this world. he's always cared  and always tried. how do I even deal with this ? how do you deal with death?

I cried hard when two of my favorite actors passed away (Cory Monteith, Paul Walker) . I cried hard when MJ died. I listened to his songs. I watched their shows/movies to help get all the crying out and mourn. but I didn't personally know them. yet today if I sat down and thought about them hard, I'd start to cry. how the hell am I going to even function if God forbid I lose my father? I don't know how these families even deal with death. I hear a story about cancer patients fighting hard and then passing away and I do cry, cause all I can think to myself is "I don't know what I'd do if I was in that position". my first thought would be maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad because I don't really know him the way a girl should know her father. however, I think it would actually kill me because of the fact I never got a chance to have that relationship with him. 

I used to get calls from him all the time when I was younger. always brightened my days. then the calls stopped and I swear I was sad, but kept that from my mom. grew older and didn't really think about it anymore. now it's all I can think about. he has a whole other family that are able to laugh and share memories together and all I have is - yea I remember my dad used to call me . smh. this really fucked me up and I feel like it's already been effecting me and my life. no one really understands this part of my life so it's not like I can just sit and vent to someone. all I have is this blog and my thoughts right now 😞 i guess I need to get it together and go see my father. I'm just absolutely terrified ...

what would YOU do?